Place the spotlight on respect – not on your middle schooler

You make a point of respecting your preteen, but do you insist that he show you respect, too? If not, now is the time to start.

To develop your preteen's sense of respect for you, himself and others:

• Don't let him run the show. Does your home life revolve around your preteen's activities, achievements and desires? It shouldn't. If his needs always come first, he may not learn to respect the notion that other people have needs, too.
• Hold your applause. It's fine to congratulate your preteen when he does well, but don't gush over every accomplishment, big or small. Instead, save your highest praise for when your preteen works hard. Studies show that kids who are praised for their effort rather than their achievement tend to try harder and perform better than kids applauded merely for "being smart."
• Allow him to experience disappointment. You can't spare your preteen from all of life's troubles, nor should you. Whether it's being cut from the football team or failing to earn an A in math, he needs to learn to take his lumps. Besides, they're his – not yours. So give him a squeeze and let him move past it. He'll likely respect himself for bouncing back and respect you for showing him he could.

Reprinted with permission from the April 2008 issue of Parents Still make the difference! (Middle School Edition) newsletter. Copyright© 2008 The Parent Institute, a division of NIS, Inc. Source: Patricia Dalton, "A Lost Art: Instilling Respect," Washingtonpost.com, www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/0= 9/10/AR2007091001174.html.